Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
