She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
