My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
