i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
