I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
