you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
