Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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