It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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