the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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