If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize