haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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