the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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