I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
there is glitter all over my balls
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
