I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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