Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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