I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
