I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
