somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
be right there i have to get my cape
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
