I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
