I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
