i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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