Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Randomize
