This is not my ceiling
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
