just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
