a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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