Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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