Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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