I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
