the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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