What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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