he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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