I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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