She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
