Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
