She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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