Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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