I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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