We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Randomize
