wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
