That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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