Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
