just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
