I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
