Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat

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(303): View more from Colorado

You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits

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(773): View more from Illinois

Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom

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(630): View more from Illinois

And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.

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(620): View more from Kansas

There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions

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(910): View more from North Carolina

But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.

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