i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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