Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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