were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
