I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
