i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
