Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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