I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
