I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
