i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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