im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
