Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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